The once Medicine Cat heard the approaching paw steps before she saw who approached her. She didn't even glance in their direction, instead choosing to take her last few seconds of silence and the illusion of being alone before finally levelling her amber gaze to the toms.
She recognized them, of course.
It was hard not to know who the Wardens were, the keepers of the Covenant of the Sky, with all the whispered rumors that ran rampant. A recent faction, from what she had heard. Cats who were displeased with the disruption of the balance between life and death. She had to wonder, then, what they were doing here, and why they were speaking to her.
The surprise was not that they had found her. Truly, anyone who paid attention to when she disappeared would know she came to this spot every time she summoned the living to visit her. Surely, much of StarClan knew of her hideaway by now.
With as secretive as the Covenant was, she could only come to one conclusion: she had, somehow, drawn their attention. Whether for better or for worse had yet to be seen. Perhaps her attempts were considered meddling by their standards and they wished her to cease operations.
This suspicion did not dampen as the two spoke, one donning the familiar star-speckled pelt, the other, with shadows that cling where they rest on his form.
As her gaze slide over them both, names came her mind: Barkblaze and Lichenflood.
If her memory proved correct, both were ancestors of WindClan. Lichenflood she knew without a shadow of a doubt; Barkblaze was harder to tell, but she recognized a healer when she saw one.
She couldn't be sure what it was about him that gave him away. Perhaps it was a combination of things so small, it was hard to explain.
Their stories, however, she did not know properly. No one seemed to. If anyone did, she hadn't spoken to them, or they were equally as secretive about their connection to any of them, possibly not even knowing that someone they once knew was so important now.
Her suspicions rose as the toms questioned her, and the specificities of the questions that came. She allowed herself several long moments to think, and formulate a response. If she left them waiting for longer than expected, she would not apologize for it, for they had asked many personal questions that were deeply personal to her.
She was unsure about how much of the truth she wished to extend to her visitors, should extend to them, especially as she did not know the true nature of this visit.
In the end, she could not find it in herself to try to filter through the noise in her head. There were so many reasons, but some were more important to her than others and she was.... Tired.
Having so many cats in one dream and then shaping the landscape had been more tiring than she had thought to be. And she'd believed growing and entire tree to be her Magnum Opus of accomplishments. She was pushing her limits in ways she didn't realize until after, and was left drained.
But it made her stronger, and it was something she was proud of.
"I teach them, because if I do not, who will? Who will teach them when their mentors abandon them, and the sky does not answer their calls?
It is a struggle I understand, one I experienced myself, and do not wish upon these... Children. The living have shown many times that they .... Are not always reliable. And it has not changed since I was alive."
She made a vague gesture, with RiverClan in mind. At least the others had not followed their trend of thrusting such responsibilities upon the youth they were meant to protect.
Snakeheart, Fawnlight, Stonepaw, Tansypaw.... So many lives permanently altered by the choice of making them Medicine Cats, and none for the best. It was too many young lives they could not fix again. Too many young lives failed by a system that should have been fixed after Fawnlight. A system that should have recognized how terribly they made them struggle, and loved them enough to ease those pains.
"I remember what it did to myself, what it did to Snakeheart. And we'd been worse off for being left alone. The children do not deserve it, their Clan does not deserve it.
When my mind was clear enough to put together the fragmented pieces of my past, I vowed to never let another Medicine Cat struggle the way I had. I vowed that they would never walk alone, for I would be there. I would answer their calls, their needs. The stars have been quiet for long enough."
Coldamber's amber gaze flickers between the cats in front of her, as if waiting for some sort of backlash. She expected it.
It always came.
Idealistic, delusional, foolish.
She was all of these things, she supposed, to love someone who spit in her face when she couldn't live up to their expectations. But she did, and she knew that would not be changing anytime soon.
"That alone is enough to keep me going, and I have.... I have made progress, have I not?
Cowtuft was good for WindClan for a time. I will always regret I'd not been paying attention when the end came, but he taught Lightningstorm, and Lightning has managed to stand strong despite it all. I am hoping she will be around long enough to prove this cycle to be broken. And if it is not, I will guide them once again until it is, until we can fix this.
Elmshadow, too proved he was different. Though his time with Larkfire was brief, he passed along what he knew. And now she teaches another. They have not remained as long, but it is progress. I am proud of them for every bit they make."
By now, she recognized the curiosity was not malicious, and felt far more confident and comfortable being open about her feelings. She could speak of Springlight and Drizzlecloud, but it was... Not the same.
They'd come into this role together, as she and Snailswirl had. Until one passed and the other showed they would remain to pass along their knowledge, there was no way to truly know if she had made a break through with ThunderClan, but she held a thin shred of hope for them.
With Barkblaze's query was mostly answered, she now turned to face Lichenflood.
"Of course I tire, but mostly to see the same mistakes repeated time and again. It is the success I've seen take root and grow in the other Clan's that I never gave up on RiverClan. They didn't deserve to be given up on just because it was more difficult."
She'd contemplated it many times, wondered if she was even truly making an impact on those she visited, and wanted to scream and cry and wail with every cat that vanished, every soul that was taken and broken by the harsh responsibilities of the position. An anguish to watch another child have the life sucked from them as the weigh of it all settled upon them, crushing them.
"It is hard not to love someone you know suffers in ways you once have. Sometimes, though, I want more immediate results.... Just to reassure me that I'm making that impact. Sometimes it's easy to not see the small changes you foster."
But she doubted they were here to listen to a soft hearted thing ramble about her feelings. They were not here because they cared in a true capacity.
She'd answered their questions, and now she had questions of her own.
"Though I suspect you are not here because you worry for my sanity. Your lot are too secretive for that."
She paused, eyes boring into the two of them.
"Why are you here, truly?"
[ @
Rani , @
taillow ]