[Captain]

PIKESTAR

“I’m unsure of how long you’ve been keeping an eye on me and my life, but I had a mate once. Someone whom I loved very dearly. They were once a ShadowClan cat and we fell in love while I was still just a RiverClan warrior.” The longhaired oriental remarked quietly, “More and more these days, I can see a better life for myself that I could’ve had if I had just run away with him, or at least joined ShadowClan instead.” He didn’t know why he was saying these things, nor why this stranger would even care, but he just felt the words tumbling out freely. “I regret joining the clans, and I wish I had never said yes to becoming Kestrelstar’s shield, nor Skystar’s deputy. I am not fit to be a leader, and I hate living like this.” He spoke with truth, feeling the tightness of dread appear within his chest yet again. “I wish I could be like Ivysnake, or even like Dawnstar, who strikes cats for even looking at them wrong.” Both sadness and anger tugged at the RiverClan leader and he felt conflicted with how he should continue this life. “I’m already in a deep hole and I alone put myself there. I don’t think I can get out, and it terrifies me.” Pikestar wished he could’ve been given a different path than this one. Would they have been happier in another clan, or simply as a loner that traveled the world beyond the clans? “I know it is a waste of time talking about stuff like this. It’s better to prepare for the future rather than to reminisce about the past, or whatever. Blah, blah…”

“I’d take my parents over this.” He hissed with venom in his tone, even though he probably didn’t mean it, “At least they pretended to love me.” The lanky RiverClan leader gave a sigh, looking down at his paws with this scowling look on his face. “I never wanted to be like one of my successors. I wanted to be better. I had the motivation and determination to do so too. As a warrior, it looked like so… so exciting to be a clan leader. I thought I would finally make a damn difference around here, and become someone that could be seen as great, or least loveable.” Great moon above, why was Pikestar even saying all this? This cat didn’t care about his so-called sob story, or his complaining, or anything like that. Shaking his head, the dark-furred tom lifted his head to peer at the ghostly feline before him. “Then teach me. Show me how to actually stand up for myself.” Pikestar remarked, standing up, “I refuse to just be branded a coward and run away from my clan when things get tough. I want to do better, I need to know what I can do to achieve that.” He didn't know where to begin.

"Cats expect me to be a perfect leader, but I hardly was able to even get used to being a deputy before I was shoved into my position." Pikestar spat with a narrowed gaze, "Maybe I'm doomed to be just like Kestrelstar or someone even worse. If you know so much, then tell me who I should be. Because I'm tired of trying to be myself. Clearly that isn't getting me anywhere." He didn't want to see like he was throwing a tantrum, or anything of that sort. Pikestar was just frustrated, and needed some kind of direction. Would running away be the better option? Should he just disappear? Would that make them all happier? "Do whatever you can to help me. I'll do anything you want."

[ @sol. ]